oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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