im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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