Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
