I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
