Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
