Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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