This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize