I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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