I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
