I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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