I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Is it because I queefed?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
