Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
