I met the friendliest cop last night
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
