someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize