I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
