im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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