hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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