Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
