Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
