Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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