please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
