Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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