oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
