My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
