If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
