Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
