i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
