If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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