If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
