hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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