i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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