Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
