Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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