This is not my ceiling
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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