I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
