so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
