Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
They are going to name an STD after you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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