You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
