Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I bet he comes in French.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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