Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
