Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So many bounce houses so little time
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
