I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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