i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There's always time for handjobs
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
