U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
