Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
