I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
