captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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