Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
