The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize