Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
