I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize