I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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