You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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