i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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