She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
