My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
