I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
