the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize