Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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