Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
