I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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